does anyone have a cigarette?

This year has been marked by quiet shifts—nothing dramatic, just subtle changes that have quietly rewritten the rhythm of my life. The biggest one? I quit smoking (and vaping). It’s been harder than I expected. I think about her a lot. I miss her a lot.

But I’m training for another half marathon—my second in five years. This one feels different. It’s the first time I’ve really pushed myself to new heights since being diagnosed with bipolar I and starting medication. It’s not just about running—it’s about seeing what’s possible again. And that’s a little terrifying.

After my manic episode, I felt like I’d lost myself—the version who dreamed big, did 90-minute Orangetheory workouts, believed he could do anything. He disappeared for a while. Now I’m finding him again, piece by piece, mile by mile.

Somewhere along the way, I started working nights and joking that I was living “the life of a showgirl.” It stuck. It became a persona, an aesthetic, a way to make sense of starting over. Maybe that’s what recovery is: faking it until it feels real. Or at least faking until you have health insurance and a new Taylor Swift album. Aye ayeee!

Recently, my sisters and I went to Austin for the 30th anniversary screening of Showgirls. Elizabeth Berkley (Nomi) was there. She said, “The real fans of the film always got it.” The crowd went wild. I got emotional. From one showgirl to another—we understand the struggle. The ones who get it, get it.

Maybe that’s why quitting smoking felt so personal—so showgirl. The drama, the discipline, the reinvention. Quitting cold turkey is kind of iconic, actually. My willpower? Legendary. I’m proud of myself…

Does anyone have a cigarette?

Because I still want one. Not just the cigarette—the rush, the chaos, the parts of my old life that burned fast and bright. But I’m learning that wanting something doesn’t mean I should have it. Sometimes the hardest part of healing is realizing that peace can feel boring… and still choosing it anyway.

Maybe that’s the plot twist no one saw coming: the life of a showgirl is quiet now. It’s boring…and makes you want a cigarette.

Do you have one to spare, lovey? ;)